Randomosity

I think I am finally coming out of my funk. I have had a low self-esteem issue most of my life, but it really wasn't until the end of my pregnancy with Aly that it developed into a full-blown depression. For the past nearly three years I have tried my hardest not to look in the mirror, not visit old friends for fear of judgment, basically hermiting myself under excuses of being too hard to get out with the girl(s), migraines, and other valid reasons that could have been overcome. I haven't been happy with myself for a very long time, and I know that it affected the relationships I have with, well.. everyone.

I'm tired of being that way. I'm tired of putting myself least on the totem pole, of feeling so ashamed everytime I saw myself... of staring at the ground, hoping no one noticed me. I've attributed it all to being fat, knowing that I could be so attractive if only I'd lose the weight, but that really isn't the problem. It may be the root, but I'd forgotten how to like me for all the quirks that make me Bethany. I know and see plenty of women who come across beautiful to me, be they my size or larger, just because they have confidence and self-worth.

Upon my quest this year to lose weight I stumbled across some truths about myself, things I had always known but never acknowledged. I'm working through it, gaining confidence, ignoring criticism, and forgiving myself. Almost as sneakily as I became depressed, I am gaining back my joie de vivre. I was doing some online browsing for me a couple of weeks ago, and was amazed when I sat back and realized what I had been doing. Other than maternity clothes, I haven't shopped for me in three years, saying I didn't want to sink my self-esteem any lower by finding out what size I actually am. Today I actually bought a few shirts, knowing that this will pass, I WILL be smaller one day, but I need to dress for the person I am now. I'm happier now than I have been in a very, very long time, and maybe in a few months I'll even let Carole keep a picture taken of me. ;)

Matt has been getting home earlier this week. It's been awesome, I feel so spoiled! I've actually seen my husband more than two hours a day this week, hurray! He is working hard to get in shape as well, and we've enjoyed going to the gym and working out on Wii Fit & Sports Resort together.

I am so proud of Aly. Today we went to the park on a play date with a friend of mine and her daughter, and although Aly has only met the little girl two or three times, she of course never meets a stranger. They held hands at the beginning, hugged at the end, and had a good time chasing each other around. Here are some pictures I took of Aly this week.

Lorelei is getting to the age where Mommy leaving the room = tantrums. I don't really remember Aly doing this, so Lorelei is definitely asserting her very different personality.

Speaking of Lorelei, I made some crab cakes from my Cooking Light cookbook last night, and she LOVED them. Matt and I loved them too (Aly was neutral) so I wanted to share the recipe with you guys. Although there are a fair amount of ingredients, most of them are pantry staples and the recipe is really easy.

Wild Rice Crab Cakes (All-New Cooking Light Cookbook)

Prep: 20 minutes

Cook: 1 hour, 20 minutes (depends on wild rice directions, took me only about 45 minutes from prep to finish)

1 1/2 cups water

1/2 cup uncooked wild rice (only kind we had was Zatarains, which took 25 min to cook)

1 lb lump crabmeat, drained and shell pieces removed (imitation works as well)

3/4 cup dry breadcrumbs

1/2 cup finely chopped red bell pepper

1/4 cup minced shallots (green onions if your grocery doesn't carry them)

1/4 cup light mayonnaise (I used mayo made with olive oil, as I think it's healthier for you)

2 tbsp. Dijon mustard

1 1/2 tbsp fresh lemon juice (jarred kind works too)

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp ground cumin

1/8 tsp ground red pepper

1/8 tsp black pepper

2 large egg whites, lightly beaten

4 tsp olive oil, divided

1. Bring water to a boil in a medium saucepan. Add wild rice, cover. Reduce heat; simmer 1 hour or until tender. Combine cooked wild rice, crab, and next 11 ingredients in a large bowl. Divide mixture into 8 equal portions, shape each into a 1 inch thick patty.

2. Heat 2 tsp olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add 4 patties; cook 4 minutes. Carefully turn patties over, and cook 4 minutes or until golden. Repeat procedure with remaining oil and patties.

Yields: 8 servings (1 serving: 1 patty)

Cal 186; Fat 6.4 (1g sat, 2.9g mono, 2g poly); Protein 15.1g; Carb 16.4g; Fiber 1g; Chol 59mg; Iron 1.6mg; Sodium 524 mg; Calcium 87mg

This was so good, you'd never be able to tell it was a healthy recipe (for crab cakes,that is).