Since Wes revealed today that he has not been keeping up with my blog these past few months, I feel I can safely unveil my true purpose in the Warren household in Knoxville: investigative reporting on the lives and minds of in-laws.*dun dun dun*  Matt and I cleverly actuated job loss throughout the Warren clan so we could claim, after a reasonable job search/loss of income/loss of house time period had passed, that we needed lodging to get back on our feet. The Warrens had no clue that this was all in our master plan. True, not many would have had the temerity to go to such lengths to get a couple of stories, but going halfway would be beneath us. I'm sure, once they've seen what we've done, all will be forgiven and maybe, maybe... even congratulated.

So here is the first account:

HOW TO KEEP YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW HAPPY

(I'm also toying with "How Not to be Thrown Out", "The Good Daughter-In-Law", and "Sea Bass: The Final Journey". I'm open to suggestions.)

Step One: Personal Space

Fathers-in-law, or Fillies as we domestic investigative freelance journalists like to call them, absolutely adore you when they cannot open their eyes without being reminded of you and your children. Toys, clothing, trash, half-eaten pieces of food: all are essential to Step One. Be sure to leave these objects in obscure locations as well as the obvious, such as closets, drawers, stairs, and inside socks.

Step Two: Dinner

Fillies love to try new and exciting dishes. They may not admit it, but they also love to have their food dislikes incorporated into each meal. For example, Wes detests onions. To ensure Filly/DIL happiness, I add onions to everything he puts in his mouth. White flecks in brownies? Onions. Slightly tangy water source? Onion. He thanks me later, silently.

Step Three: Grandchildren

The best way to encourage family joy is through abandonment of responsibility. In one scenario, plant your children in the same room as their grandfather, making sure to turn their whineometer on high. Then, leave the room to pursue own interests. Fillies certainly enjoy being left in charge of parental duties, from dirty diaper changes to countless milk refills, even sibling fights. In a second illustration, make sure to let your kids run wild while the Filly is on a phone call or watching Cash Cab. They will appreciate the challenge of maintaining concentration through chaos.

Step Four: Hobbies/Entertainment

One way to ensure a bond between father and daughter in law is the mocking of each others interests. If your Filly enjoys sports, throw out some good-natured ribbing of his favorite teams, making sure to leave room to root for the opposing side. There is nothing Fillies love more than banter. If he's watching a movie, assist his deduction of the ending with thinly veiled clues, if not the outright conclusion.

There are countless other ways to keep the family joy abounding, but stick with a basis of these four steps. You'll find upon application that bliss is inevitable.

So sayeth Mr. Darcy

This past November 19th I ordered some very nice, very expensive yarn intended for a hat for Mandy and a shawl Mom ordered for Aunt Kimmie. The girls and I had plans to drive down to Moselle on the 27th, but the combination of Priority Mail and the store's relatively close location in Atlanta ensured that it would be delivered on the 22nd, plenty of time before we left. The 22nd came and went, and upon looking at the tracking information I found that my expensive yarn package was in Mobile, not following the normal shipping route.

Alas, I had, in my excitement over finally having some luscious yarn on my hook, filled my address out incorrectly, writing a Mississippi zip code instead of our Knoxville one. I promptly emailed the company, who had impressed me so with their wide array of yarns and colors, low prices, and fast shipping, letting them know of my idiocy and requesting that they let the USPS know of my updated zip code. EatSleepKnit, just as promptly, wrote me back informing me that, once in the USPS's hands, their packages are out of their control, and they would notify me once the package was deemed undeliverable and sent back to their company. I called the USPS's main office and two of the Knoxville branches to find if I could at least pick up my own package before the Thanksgiving holidays began. I was assured that the package should be sorted and delivered by the 27th-29th, but I could not pick it up until it had been sorted.

I ended up visiting a local yarn shop and finding a similar sort of yarn for Mom's order, and joked about it with my sister, secure in the knowledge that if the yarn arrived while I was in Mississippi, I would still have plenty of time to finish the hat before Christmas. The girls and I traveled to Mississippi, I made all of Mom's orders and most of my Christmas gifts in the two weeks we were down there. The tracking information never changed from Knoxville's processing center, and lost package calls to the USPS only resulted in a confirmation number that someone was eventually going to look into it.

After sitting in Knoxville for 2.5 weeks, my package bounced around the South. I finally gave up on the USPS after 10 calls and two confirmation numbers. I had emailed the company as well several times, asking for help, for them to file a claim, for something. My last email went ignored, which has aggravated me the most through this whole ordeal. For the most part I have blamed myself, but after two weeks of hearing nothing in reply from EatSleepKnit has allowed me to share the blame. I gave up on them too, yesterday, and spent the day writing complaint letters in my head.

They changed the Expected Delivery Date from November 22, 2010 to today this morning ;)

Today the package was delivered. Out of the blue. I had looked at the tracking info yesterday and it showed that it had been processed through Atlanta on Jan.5 as the last update. I had been hoping, fingers and toes crossed, that they were sending it back to the company.

The yarn is so pretty :). I can finally make Mandy's Christmas present and I also have some yummy Madelinetosh yarn to dream up projects for.

Although I did finally get my yarn, this experience has completely soured me to the USPS. It took 47 days for someone to finally write the right zip code down and send it on. I believe UPS will be my parcel service from now on :).