Might Be Something In the Water

Since Wes revealed today that he has not been keeping up with my blog these past few months, I feel I can safely unveil my true purpose in the Warren household in Knoxville: investigative reporting on the lives and minds of in-laws.*dun dun dun*  Matt and I cleverly actuated job loss throughout the Warren clan so we could claim, after a reasonable job search/loss of income/loss of house time period had passed, that we needed lodging to get back on our feet. The Warrens had no clue that this was all in our master plan. True, not many would have had the temerity to go to such lengths to get a couple of stories, but going halfway would be beneath us. I'm sure, once they've seen what we've done, all will be forgiven and maybe, maybe... even congratulated.

So here is the first account:

HOW TO KEEP YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW HAPPY

(I'm also toying with "How Not to be Thrown Out", "The Good Daughter-In-Law", and "Sea Bass: The Final Journey". I'm open to suggestions.)

Step One: Personal Space

Fathers-in-law, or Fillies as we domestic investigative freelance journalists like to call them, absolutely adore you when they cannot open their eyes without being reminded of you and your children. Toys, clothing, trash, half-eaten pieces of food: all are essential to Step One. Be sure to leave these objects in obscure locations as well as the obvious, such as closets, drawers, stairs, and inside socks.

Step Two: Dinner

Fillies love to try new and exciting dishes. They may not admit it, but they also love to have their food dislikes incorporated into each meal. For example, Wes detests onions. To ensure Filly/DIL happiness, I add onions to everything he puts in his mouth. White flecks in brownies? Onions. Slightly tangy water source? Onion. He thanks me later, silently.

Step Three: Grandchildren

The best way to encourage family joy is through abandonment of responsibility. In one scenario, plant your children in the same room as their grandfather, making sure to turn their whineometer on high. Then, leave the room to pursue own interests. Fillies certainly enjoy being left in charge of parental duties, from dirty diaper changes to countless milk refills, even sibling fights. In a second illustration, make sure to let your kids run wild while the Filly is on a phone call or watching Cash Cab. They will appreciate the challenge of maintaining concentration through chaos.

Step Four: Hobbies/Entertainment

One way to ensure a bond between father and daughter in law is the mocking of each others interests. If your Filly enjoys sports, throw out some good-natured ribbing of his favorite teams, making sure to leave room to root for the opposing side. There is nothing Fillies love more than banter. If he's watching a movie, assist his deduction of the ending with thinly veiled clues, if not the outright conclusion.

There are countless other ways to keep the family joy abounding, but stick with a basis of these four steps. You'll find upon application that bliss is inevitable.