In my heart, I know God has a plan for us, and that we will be okay. I know this. I do. But someone needs to tell that to the ulcers forming in my stomach, because they didn't get the memo.
I tend to have unreal expectations. Just ask my family, I bet they're nodding in synchronization. Bethany, that dreamer. I've always rationalized that while yes, I do dream unrealistically, if we all pursued the path set before us, no lofty ideals above our station, we'd still be in caves hunting and gathering. Unfortunately for me, however, I don't have that special something to usually make my dreams a reality. Then the cynical part of me takes over.
I was expecting that by now we would have some sort of lead(s). Every idea we brainstormed about while crossing our fingers that Frito-Lay wouldn't fire Matt for the stupidest reason ever hasn't panned out. With all the people we know working at corporations and jobs Matt could do/would enjoy, none of them are hiring.
I know. I've been silly. I'm sure all the people who were laid off during the recession would laugh hysterically at me for thinking we'd have some sort of bite after searching for a week. And I know that we're young, so our bounce-back ability is much higher than it could be. Our family is healthy. We have an awesome network of friends and family who've been unconditionally supportive and encouraging. For the moment, we still have our house. We still have food on the table. Things could definitely be worse.
Try as I might to focus on these blessings, on being adult and taking things in stride... well, my thoughts seem to linger a moment on the happy and then race back to worry. While Matt is still mostly confident, practical, and optimistic, if I continue down this path I will eventually bring him down to the sleepless emotional turmoil that I'm dealing with.
I know everyone who reads this blog has been praying for us (I can't explain how much that means to me), and I ask that you continue praying. While you're on the subject, would you mind saying a little prayer for me? So I can handle all of this gracefully and optimistically?
I totally understand. I deal with worry and stress with Bill being gone more than anyone really knows about. It IS hard to remain optimistic that something better is out there, that things happen for a reason, etc.. I know. I defintely will be praying for you. You CAN get through this. I just know something good is going to happen to this family of ours. 2010 may be off to a rocky start, but dammit...it can ONLY (IT HAS TO) GET BETTER! Sigh... ;)
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